remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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