I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
God I need to hump something, right now.
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