I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
