remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
