he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
