half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
