sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
