I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
