Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
