Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
