I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
