I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
