her vagina looked like bernie madoff
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
