So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
