My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
