"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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