He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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