i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
