Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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