I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
