I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
