last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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