so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
