LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
