my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
