how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Randomize