i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
