I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
