I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
