and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
