Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
