I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
