I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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