Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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