not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
