well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
4 words: hood of his car
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
