Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
