If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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