According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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