Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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