I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
