i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
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