Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
