the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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