I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Randomize
