Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I think a kid would responsible me up
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
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