party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize