thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Randomize
