you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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