Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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