i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
